Singlehoodum (as I call it)
– An Offense or a Defense?
This is when all the claws come out.
This is when I can write a 10,000 word thesis - not that anyone would doubt my ability at this point.
Monday morning.
Good reason to bitch - not like the day of the week does prevent having a topic to bitch about.
But right now, I can’t think of a more appropriate topic to bitch about
How many times in year 2004 alone have I questioned about singlehood?
I lost count.
Why bother to count?
I have better things to do with my life.
This question has to win an Oscar at some point of time for the “Most Annoying Main Role of Question”.
27, single, dateless, pudgy... and recently started blogging - I'm starting to sound like a cheap spin-off of Bridget Jone's Diary (part I) - the Asian version perchance?
No. I don't actually listen to Celine Dion's constipated rendition of "All By Myself" whilst getting myself drunk, and balling my eyes out over being single. There is no Hugh Grant looking character(s) screwing my life over. There is no fairytale romance of a man telling me "He loves me for just the way I am"....
No, no, no, no no.....
A man doesn't love a woman for just the way she is.
He loves her for the way she looks, before the way she is.
Put a dolled-up little number next to Plain Jane.
Who would he want to know first?
Fact : Men have 2 heads, it is all a matter of which head reacts first.
Schwing it to the Right,
Schwing it to the Left,
Do the Hokie-Pokie,
That's what it's all about.
Just be careful where/when/how (delete where applicable) you hoke and poke.
My Favourite Poster
So what is the point in all these blabs?
The point is - being 27 and single, it gets highly-annoying when acquaintances start fussing and/or claim to fret on your behalf. Dry humour eludes them. Sarcasm becomes reality and this is the part where I enjoy most – they start finding reasons on your behalf too!
It is actually amusing how on the one hand, when one chats about future plans, these matured individuals “wisely” advise you, "Oh don't worry, you're still young. You've still got a long road ahead of you."
And then, in the next breath when the topic of marriage mysteriously arises, "You're not getting any younger you know.... Not married? No boyfriend? Must be you are too fussy. Don't you want to get married? Noooo......"
So is 27 too young or too old? Make up your mind!
Whatever.
List of Commonly Asked Spastic Questions :
(P.S. For all you other singletons out there, if you would like to add on to this list, please feel free to let me know. I’ll be more than happy to include it in)
Q : “Don’t you want to get married?”
A : “ To whom may I ask? Myself maybe? Come to think of it, maybe I should marry myself.”
Q : "But don't you want to have kids?"
A : "And I f*** myself and reproduce? "
(Of course I know of other methods of having kids without being married, but that's besides the point)
Q : "Is it because you are too fussy?"
A : "Errr.... how do I fuss when this is a no man land?"
(and their imagination starts running wild)
Q : "What do you look for in a man?"
A : "It is not what I look. It is what they look for.."
Q : “You should go out more often and maybe you find someone?”
A : “Why don’t I just plaster a permanent neon sign above my head that says ‘Single and Desperate’….”
-- Dialogue --
“Why don’t you make the first move?
“Call me primitive but isn’t that the guy’s role?”
“But a lot of girls do make the first move these days….”
“And this means that I should?”
“Why not?”
If a guy likes a girl enough, he will make the first move”
“You scare guys away.”
“Great to know that. Can I move on with my life now?”
And that’s the point where the list of reasons they will make on the singleton’s behalf pop up –
- Best reason of all time : “It’s ok. I understand. A lot of girls these days do not want to get married.” Blah blah blah. (And oh yes… you know me so darn well huh? )
- “Compromise with your expectations. You cannot not have a man in your life.” (Compromise? Give me the divorce papers.)
- “You look like the sort who does not want to get married or have kids” (Again, you know me so darn well huh? )
- “You always look like you’re ready to kill someone with that glare of yours.” (Rather than be a “free-f***-for-all”)
- “You are not pretty enough”
- “You are too short”
- “You are not feminine enough”
- “You talk too loud”
- “You laugh too loud”
- “You are too independent”
- “You are too opinionated”
- And the “You are too” list goes on and on and on……
So convince me of a man loving a woman for the way she is? I think not.
Like what the heck?
Give the singleton a break.
Is there no topic beyond getting married and making babies?
Ah yes there is.
There’s housing loans, financial committments, mother-in-laws, maids, blaming the entire world for teaching their babies the wrong-doings, grumbling about spouses, how boring life is…
And then along the way, affair(s) follow suit.
And then, Divorce.
If not affair, somewhere along the way, “due to irreconcilable differences” – DIVORCE.
If not irreconcilable differences, there is bound to some other grounds for divorce in the book of law.
Sound like a bitter spinster, disillusioned by the notion of love and marriage?
Perhaps.
Reality bites. Marriage is like a market-place in this day and age. Like a budding star - getting married for the wrong reasons, then divorce, then remarry, then possibly divorce again – marriage is like watching the write-ups of celebrities in the E! The True Hollywood Story. Naturally, the most overused excuse, “I was in luuurrrrvvveeee….. I didn’t know what I was doing”. Give me a break. AGAIN. I bet my bottom dollar that the definition of love got lost somewhere within the pants and the black-hole.
A fear of loneliness is not love.
So rather than get married for the wrong reasons, it is better to stay unmarried for the right reason.
- Marriage is not an acquisition of government flats/apartments. Clever ploy for the short-sighted.
- Reproduction is not a way to exploit maternity incentives.
- A fear of loneliness is the second worst reason to grab-and-marry.
- The need to get married is the worst reason for a man to convert himself into a housekeeper and daddy-day-care/male-nanny.
- Marriage is not about beating someone else to the altar.
- Marriage is not about conforming to society’s expectations.
Marriage is not a need, it is a want. - Having a healthy bank balance and flashy car is the worst reason to find a girl to get married to.
- So is flashing your credit cards and cash.
- Marriage is for better and for worse. Not - For better and NOT for worse. The latter is normally the case if you get married based on #1-#9.
Maybe I should add getting married to my year 2005 resolutions?
I think I would rather continue to lead as President of the Singles Club.
That’s a metaphor you idiot.
Of course I am no President of some cheesy singles club.
The singleton will remain single for a long time, unless fate and destiny bashes up cynicism.
But age is a cruel joke.
It is said that singletons get more difficult with prolonged period of lone ranger-ness.
And it gets even harder when the chicken feet and lines start creeping onto the face.
Then again, there’s always age-defying plastic surgeries.
Face lifts and botox anyone?
Fate and Destiny? Maybe.
The One? We know that doesn’t exist.
Divorce? Anyone else up for auction?
Till the day I fall flat to my face at the altar… speak to the fats. No more dumbass rationalization on “why not marriage”. This singleton has more travels to do, more ridiculous chaos to log AND she is on her own life mission. She sure knows how to bitch but beneath it all, she truly loves her globe-trotting life. Never a dull moment. Particularly so for someone with a niche for mishaps and bizarre events.
And how many of you out there can actually stand up and say, “I love my life”?
I would love to hear.
“How are you?”
“Same ‘ol.”
“What have you been up to lately?”
“Nothing much. Same old thing - Work. Home. Sleep.”
“There must be at least one interesting event?”
“No.”
That’s a life indeed.
You get the idea.
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