At this point, I started to feel like I had unconsciously established a mental checklist, shuffling names between 'getting married', 'going to have a baby' and 'baby boom'. The impact of these announcements hit me harder than I ever imagined. No one ever warned me that turning-28 is all marital. My fats are not shock absorbers. I feel like a hybrid between Jane (from 'See Jane Date') and Bridget Jone. What we have in common is the coming-of-age-singlehoodum-syndrome and being plagued with weight problem. What we don't have in common is, the fairytale blah blah blah. That is just feel good Hollywood shit. We know that.
I THOUGHT I was mentally prepared for this phase of the singleton's life. But what I was not prepared for, was to receive the news all at once. Being thousands of miles apart from everyone else, I am always the last to know AND for some sick humour of life, I get them all at once. Not that I'm gagging to get married or something. And not that I'm feeling nauseous with envy over married life. As a matter of fact, I gave this some thought about this. And I thought hard about it. But no. The marriage button is still locked in 'off' position and definitely not a millimetre more motivated to join in the trend.
Truth is, I simply didn't want to come to terms with one thing - the transition of friendships.
Unwritten rules of friendship :
1. When your friend(s) get(s) attached, leave them to pursue their romances.
2. When your friend(s) get(s) married, leave them to start their families.
3. When your friend(s) start(s) having babies, DODGE.
I'm joking about #3. When your friend(s) start(s) having babies, they have reached another level. That's about all there is to it.
But I guess in the midst of my finding a hermit life and friends starting their families, a silent drift had already started to occur. Long distance friendship is alot like long distance relationship, life pursuits change and differences show up through time. Only difference is that no matter how unfamiliar friends become, the friendship is likely to go on, except for the once-familiar closeness dwindles and transits to amiable greetings.
Then conducting small talks become a mission. I mean, I literally don't know what to talk about! It just seems like our lives have become so detached that there is hardly any common topics to chat about. I have learnt, through getting sarcasm slapped back to my face, that talking about my life is a complete sin. Whether it was an attempt to reduce silent awkwardness or the other party enquiring about my life, I end up looking like some smug, boastful and/or narcisstic bitch. I cannot apologise for leading a non-conformist life and making the choice of living my life. I do not disagree with everyone else's life choices. I respect them and am truly happy for them with all their marriage and baby boom plans. However, in the midst of all these marital rage, one thing has and will change - the days of pointless hangouts, inane talks and laughing over the most insignificant things.
Truth is, singletons are incapable of empathising with marital hiccups.
Truth is, singletons are incapable of conducting baby talks.
Truth is, singletons who lead their alternative lives in another continent come to realise that they do not know how to relate to their married friends anymore.
Truth is, married friends in the other continent choose to forget how it is like to be single, doing shitall and having dreams.
Truth is, friends who do not live in the same place/country, lives in two different dimensions.
Truth is.....
Married people do not hold friendships on the same threshold as singletons.
It was coming to terms about entering this new phase of life that was harder to come to grips with rather than the notion of marriage and babies. This is not a matter of having issues but the transition of friendships. I saw it coming. I did. But I didn't want to think about it. So when all the news of the who's-who getting married and the who's-who having a baby news started flooding in , I granted myself the right to go into the state of denial. And indulge in denial, I did.
For the obvious start, I began to think of ways to cheer myself up.
Escapist mode - on.
1. Do the usual thing. Pack and move on. But where? Hmm... I've been thinking alot about Russia. Maybe Russia.... maybe.... But I've got a promise to fulfil. Can't move. Dang. Country-hopping plan - ABORT.
2. What next... hmm... birthday's coming up in September. I have not done anything for my birthday in years so.... hmmm... feasible. I would have just finished my term with this company so perfect timing for abit of pampering.
So I worked around doing special for myself on my birthday.....
Plan A : Fly home to Singapore, visit folks for about 3 days then go Gold Coast and play golf with Bibik and company. I liked this idea... I liked it very much. So I researched into the golf courses and worked out the cost. Hey! I could probably afford this one. I was all excited and ready to go on Plan A. However, it turned out that one of the ladies could only make it in October so it was PLAN ABORT for me.
Plan B : Holiday in Russia!!! Since I can't move to Russia, it will be quite nice to go there for holiday too. So again, start of research. As I researched, I started thinking, "But if I'm going that far for holiday, I should be covering Finland and the Scandivian areas as well....."
The more I looked, the more ambitious I became. Blind ambition came with only one teeny-weeny problem.... MONEY. I was not willing to throw my pathetic savings for one holiday. Not now at least. I am dying to explore Eastern Europe but perhaps I should wait till I've saved up enough money and do a 1-2 (maybe 3) months holiday instead.
So I decided to abort this plan as well.
Fuck it.
Penniless girl shall spend birthday alone in the most unspectacular manner as always - WORK.
I sank into my couch and frumpy pj days started.
I became the ultimate couch potato and started watching (re-watching) every movie DSTV had to offer, except that I did not register what I was watching.
I also decided to read my mould-growing storybooks that I've neglected for over a year - Angels and Demons, Digital Fortress, Deception Point (all 3 by Dan Brown), She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb), Wish Upon A Star (Olivia Goldsmith - who incidentally died recently at the age of 54 due to some plastic surgery failure. Not too sure of the finer details but that was entertaining news...) and finally, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
I immersed myself in my hermit shell for the next 7 days and managed to squirm my way out of going on another buying trip. Then work brought me back to partial reality. I forced myself to get work done (thanks to endless problems) just for the sake of it, and then returned to hermit world at any given opportunity. The money spent on purchasing that couch was definitely well-spent. I am certain I can see the indent of my heavy ass....
I came to enjoy being in denial.
Perfect excuse for putting my life to a complete standstill.
Maybe I should grant myself more days like that. Ha!
Back to the real world tomorrow.
Must I?
Really?
Really really?
Maybe Russia, maybe.....
I'm hanging on to this thought.
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