That's fast.
Another week has gone by, a rough but quiet week I must say.
16:00 hours.
Sitting back on my sofa relaxing with TV blasting in the background, Flapper taking a snooze and myself in self-bashing mode as doubts start to fill my mind... especially these days when Flapper misbehaves and the big question of "What have I done wrong?" keeps flashing in my head. And doubts start to float in on my own capability and then even more doubts about my own business. I guess the easy thing to say would be not to mix personal with business but somehow it seems to be interlinked. Fact or belieft I'm not too sure, but somehow.... I have a self-induced notion that my own dog's behaviour is a reflection of myself and my business.
Perhaps Flapper's a lot more like me than I'm willing to admit. Extremist. Laid back and couldn't give 2-shit about most things most of the time, can be rough and crazy during plays... BUT... can damaging when provoked. And that ain't good. He's a dog after all and unfortunately, not very forgiving in human terms. And when that happens, I go into self-bashing (not dog-bashing) mode. Sigh.
Of course there are high-days when the dogs under my charge fare well, Flapper fare well and the world seems rosy. I feel like I can rule my business... I made the right choice. Then there are the down days.... perhaps Flapper misbehaved, perhaps losing a customer or so, perhaps some problems with the dogs, perhaps some other problems and again, between the high-days and the down-days... haiyaya.... cases of extremes. But that's part and parcel of life, isn't it? Handling setbacks is what makes us better and stronger, isn't it?
Yes.
Setback is a simple concept.
But sometimes...
I just wish I don't have to deal with it.
Sometimes... I just want to call it quits.
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19:00 hours.
Just got back from slugging out with a friend. God has a way of sending the right people at the right time. There I was mulling over my crummy down-time and next thing, I received a call from a friend to meet up. I was happy with the invitation for a hang out session with the dogs. I knew that staying home and rattling negativity to myself on my own blog ain't gonna make me feel better. So boy was I glad when I got the call. And now some 2 beers and good chat later, I am a whole lot better, in a positive frame of mind. Through it all, I do have one friend to thank who reminded me of the fine line between letting go and letting it all out....
Letting go is easy. I could say, "I've let it go" and get obsessed with a thousand tasks to keep my mind off the emotional turbulences happening within. And by emotional turbulences I mean the things that are the hardest to oneself - i.e. I'm feeling shit about myself. I feel worthless. I doubt myself. I have no confidence. You know... things like that. The simplest matters can sometimes be the most detrimental to oneself. And being me, it is one of the toughest thing to face up to, lest talk about it. So being the Queen of "Letting Go", I would rather shut the entire world out until I've sorted ME out. So let go I will, LET OUT... that's another thing all together.
So anyway, had a good "let out" session with my friend today and managed to clear out what was really bothering me... be it Flapper or the business. We exchanged woes and frustration, exchanged thoughts, experiences and such... good session it was, couldn't ask for more.
Through it all, always remembering the lesson I learnt lately from a Mr Federer about being true to one's feelings, vulnerability, setbacks and iron will. If anything from my years of being a tennis and Federer fan, this man has given me some big life lessons that is now my wallpaper of inspiration. I'm too lazy to re-type everything so I'll just cut and paste from an email I sent to someone about this -
RF - Ah yes... that was one awesome moment. And actually I learnt the biggest leadership lesson from him. After he won his 15th, I read somewhere that a journalist wrote, "and no on-court drama this time". As usual, me and my delayed reaction, took me a while to realise just how great this man is. I spent like 3 months hearing mosquitoes buzzing in my ears "be vulnerable" and I never really did understand it. And there was Mr RF.... one crybaby of the tennis circuit. Cried at AO, cried at last year's wimbledon.... I used to chuckle over it. But when i took a step back to look at it, WOW. This guy is open to emotions and just let it all out, and then he moves on, comes back and win French Open and Wimbledon. To top it off, it took him 10 years to win French Open AND to lose to the same dude named Nadal with a record of 13-7 and still fighting... my jaws dropped. Coz I knew if it was me, I would have given up on 3rd try and possibly try something completely different. And of course, that it is ok to be open abt emotions too. Let it all out and move on...
And all that realisation came at a good time... coz now it inspired me big time. I keep telling myself now, "if this dude can hang on for 10 bloody years before winning French open.... I can hang in there." Strange but powerful. It motivates me now that I'm full time back in my own biz, especially when I face with setbacks.
But still, there WILL still be Chooey-moments. Then Chooey has to choose again - hibernation hole or let a friend support. Slowly but surely, Chooey is starting to choose the latter. And for that, she knows she is blessed with the friends that she has. And she really want to thank Ms J.O. today for spending the afternoon with her and allowing her to let it out. Now Chooey feels a thousand times better and ready to conquer the world again. :)
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A good consolation for what I call the Flapper-Setbacks.... is to watch the nonsensical video I've been making and gently reminding myself.... "He is not such a bad dog afterall."
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